Today is your birthday, so naturally I have been thinking about how much I love you and how lucky I am to have you in both mine and M’s life.
When I had M, though my heart was full of love and joy, it broke a little for you. I know this may sound odd or crazy, but as I sat with her in my arms I was overwhelmed with happiness because to this little girl, I was the whole world. I was her warmth, her comfort, her safe place and her home. No feeling in the world can come close to that feeling, the love you feel for that child, and that child for you.
So my heart broke, because as a mum you will know that in that moment you were replaced. Not completely, of course, I will always love you, as you did Nan, but you are no longer number one – a place you have never before been knocked from. Not any of the boyfriends, or even siblings or nieces have been able to shake you from that spot. Always have you stood at the top of the podium, a gold medal around your neck and a smile on your face. You were always my best friend, my comfort, my safe place and my home. Until now.
I know you happily gave up the spot to her, and look on lovingly knowing how much I adore her, but I cannot fathom being anything but M’s favourite person. When that day comes, as I know it will, my heart with undoubtedly break and in that moment I will think of you.
How you swung my hand as a child, how you soothed me when I was sick or scared, the amount of times you sang along to Disney with me, how you gleamed with excitement on Christmas morning, the voices you gave to my teddies, the times you fell asleep telling me goodnight stories, the big splashy bath times or generally all those times you were such a great mum.
And then in that moment I will know how happy and bitter-sweet that moment was for you, because we both know that if you weren’t replaced the moment she was placed in my arms I wouldn’t have been the mother you raised me to be.
Always in my heart.
Always and forever.