Not to say that there aren’t any perks of having a small child, of course there are, but these are the ones that all perspective parents might not think of.
1- A reason not to go out. Don’t wanna go to that family friend’s Christmas party? Scared of the unwarranted sloppy kiss from your “favourite Auntie”? And not forgetting the awkward conversations about the non-existent (or even worse…existent) sex lives of those family friends who now deem you old enough to be privy to those conversations? Turns out “Little Joey is sick, sorry can’t make it” is a perfectly reasonable excuse that leads to little to no follow up questions.
2- It’s okay if the house is bit a mess. That’s just a universal fact. Kids are messy and a parent’s mess is usually seen as an extension of the child’s mess.
3- People won’t bat an eyelid if you skip make-up for a day. Or week. Of course, you should be able to feel comfortable without wearing make-up anyway (You do you, reader!), but if you have a child in tow people tend to forgo such comments as “Are you okay? You look ill.” and “You’re looking paler than usual”.
4- You’ll never be stuck for ice-breakers ever again. It might be boring reeling off the same crap about your child’s sleeping, eating or pooping routine, but at least you never have to make up some interesting tidbit about the weather or how long you waited for a train. Also, added perk is that strangers who insist on talking to you have never heard those stories about your kids that all your friends are sick of hearing.
5- KIDS TOYS. Okay, I know some people think they are boring and lame but they wrong and lying. Remember all those kids toys you wanted as a kid but didn’t get? Well, now you can get them! The added bonus is that the child thinks they are getting a great new toy and you are an awesome present, and then when they go to sleep – playtime!
6- Being late is forgiveable. Obviously this doesn’t count for important meetings and things, but generally speaking if you’re running late for a party, coffee date or shopping trip you can always blame it on the poop and vomit machine you call your loving bundle of joy. Countless times I have lost track of time singing into my make-up brush to Meghan Trainor and “Sorry poosplosion happened just before I left the house!” is a fail safe excuse, and generally ends with people being sympathetic to your plight.
7- Snacks. My house when I was single: Nothing ever to eat, like ever and I’m so hungry where is the chocolate? My house with a kid: There’s raisins, crisps, carrot sticks, fruit, yoghurt…which shall I eat first.
8. Naps. Perfectly acceptable now that you have to “sleep when baby sleeps”. Even if they are four and sleep a solid 12 hours, being a dinosaur is exhausting.