I have written in my bio that I am a dating failure, and that is no lie.
I am a dating failure.
Not to say that I am an awful date (please date me..I’m pretty average looking, have an adorable pre-made child, and can be funny, sometimes…), it just so happens that A LOT of the dates that I have been on have been pretty big failures. (Who am I kidding? It is probably something to do with me…and you will probably all think so after reading this post.)
So, as these stories have entertained many of my friends, I think it’s about time that I start letting you (my internet friends) in on some of my dating catastrophes.
The Time I Was The Worst Date Ever (Accidentally)
I want to start off this series with the story of the time I was the worst date possible , as I would hate it if, god forbid, I was ever accusing of hating or blaming men for my dating failures. (I don’t hate men. I really don’t. Have you seen Ryan Gosling’s face? No one can hate that!) Women can be just as bad as men, and I am more than aware of that…I am a prime example.
Once upon a time, I was asked out to the cinema by a boy. This is the route of the failure of the entire date. See friends, it was (at the time) not uncommon for me to be asked to the cinema by a male friend. I love watching movies, I love going to the cinema and, at the time, I actually went to the cinema nearly every week and had regular cinema buddies who I would convince to go with me every week, ALL MALE! So, unsurprisingly, I agreed to go and see the film me and…we’ll call him Sam*, had talked about excitedly for weeks.
He picked me up from my house, I made some joke about how long his legs looked up against the steering wheel (he was/is 6ft 4), and when we got to the cinema we went straight to find seats, middle row. I paid for my own ticket, we didn’t get any snacks or drinks, just went straight into the cinema and sat down. We chatted about how excited we were to see the film (I have no idea now even what film it was!), and how good our seats were. There was no small talk, no flirting and literally no sign that I was to suspect that it was a date at all…until the film started.
We had talked for weeks about seeing this film, and he had literally just told me that he was so excited that he thought he was going to wee himself, (His words. I think it must have been a superhero movie, but I don’t remember which.) yet, despite all of this excitement, I caught Sam staring at me for at least half of it. I replied with awkward smiles, as he glared at me in the light of the big screen. (It was unnerving, honestly.) He then upped his game a little and started stroking my leg with the back of his hand.
I think I physically squirmed. (Awkward.) I then crossed my legs and spent the rest of the film curled up on the furthest edge of my seat, eyes locked on the screen. My mind started to race. How could he think this was a date? Had I lead him to believe I was interested? Had he given me any signs this was a date? Was the word used? Do people use that word any more? Am I mixing the signs? Do I actually find him attractive? We clearly get on so…could this be something?
By the end of the film I had decided that I had to go on my initial reaction (squirming) and wanted to get out of there as quick as possible. I decided that I would let him down gently later by text, and therefore avoid any awkward face-to-face conversations. Sam had other plans, and instead of walking back to the car, lead us to a nearby bar where he insisted on buying me a glass of wine.
I protested the wine (pretty unusual for me), saying I wanted to go home, but he insisted we would go after one and he simply wanted to “digest” the film. (Again, his words. Not that he had watched half of the film.) I started to fidget. I didn’t want to give him eye contact because I was scared of the way he would be looking at me. I didn’t want to say much in case it gave him the wrong impression. I was basically the worst date possible, barely looking at him and ignoring most of his opinions of the film, and answering questions with one word answers. What was I going to do?
SAVIOUR! My friend text me! A bunch of my friends were in town and heading for a drink! I could just integrate us into the group! I text him back immediately, begging him to come to my aid. It was a total coincidence they were nearby, at least that part was true,Sam would understand, right?
As they walked in I casually chuckled, “Oh, hey look it’s my friends..join us guys!”.
Finally, I was saved, I thought. “Oh, we wouldn’t want to ruin your date!”, my friend teased.
“It’s not a date, don’t be silly. Sit down.”
Sam looked mortified as a table of people joined us. His mood noticeably shifted as soon as the words “NOT A DATE” left my lips. I felt bad, but at least he would know now that I wasn’t interested without an awkward moment later? A little while passed, and Sam stood from the table and told everyone he was leaving. He looked at me and I could see in his face that he was pissed off.
“If you are still looking for a lift, I’m going now.”
“Well…” I started.
“Lucy will need a lift home Sam, we’re all going to the cinema to see *INSERT FILM WE JUST SAW*”
DAMMIT. I had hoped that I could just join the group and jump on a bus home, but my so called friend had really dumped me in it. My stomach sank as I thought about what might happen as he dropped me home. Ugh. Sam was quiet as we walked to the car, but his mood changed as soon as we got in it. This made me more nervous. So nervous that I accidentally sent him the wrong way. TWICE. What if he now thought I was doing it on purpose, as a way of spending more time with him? Or worse, I was just wasting his time after basically just ignoring him all night?
I practically jumped out of the car when he pulled up outside my house, and slamming the door I yelled –
“BYE SAM. THANKS FOR THE LIFT.”
I was mortified, and I never text him again. He never text me again.
That was until a few weeks later I saw him in a bar…when I was drunk. I had lost all my nerves and anxiety and felt he deserved to know point blank that I wasn’t interested in being his girlfriend, but I would be his friend. (I am sooo kind……….) I said to him –
“Oh Sam, I’m soooo so so soooo sorry about the date. I didn’t know it was a date, y’know? I mean, why didn’t you tell me you wanted to take me out on a date? Why didn’t you say “Hey, let’s go on a date?” Because, y’know, then I would have totally told you that I didn’t want to go on a date with you, Sam, and I wouldn’t have have had to invite my friends on the date, because I would know it was a date. I’m sorry, Sam, I do think you are a good guy. If you asked me another time, I would have said yes, because I think you are a good guy Sam. Y’know? Sam? If you wanted to ask me properly? Would you want to ask me again? Sam? You probably don’t now, huh? Sam?”
And he said –
“Actually, my name is Simon.”
I wish I could say that the story ended there. I wish I could say I had just walked away embarrassed and kept my mouth shut, but what I actually did was argue with him for 5 minutes about what his name was, convinced that he was winding me up to try and make me feel bad. He wasn’t trying to make me feel bad. His name was Simon. 3 of his friends confirmed it. As did his driving license.